blarg.

so I FINALLY got to see "A Dirty Shame" !!!!!!!
very happy about that, Tracey Ullman and John Waters with Jonny Noxville... how can you go wrong?
fucking movie reminded me of how much sex I'm NOT having though...
I need to find a guy who's within five years of my age (give or take) and likes to smoke weed, watch movies, play video games, and stay up late 'cause the day light hurts.
you're out there fucker... find me!

I have to get out of this town... that's all there is to it.
but here's where I have cheap rent in a large place, and a job that I love (although doesn't pay me well).
delima.
basically, if I want to stop being alone I have to sacrafice a lot for a whim.
I don't know if I'm willing to do that just yet, but if I wait too long I'll be old and no one will want me anyway.
*sighs*

previewed "Devil's Rejects" tonight.. was WAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than "House of 1000 Corpses".

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is soooo great....

*sighs* just when I think my wounds are healed...
a fresh one opens.
(my heart, jackass... my heart)

Got the new "Harry Potter" book tonight, can't wait to start reading it... probably won't be for a day or two that I get some time though beings I have four films to break down tomorrrow.

been fighting with my brother lately... don't know what his real issue is, but he's super quick to be an asshole lately it seems. anger management would probably do him good.

my room is a fucking mess, more so than normal. been kinda partying in here lately and haven't had a chance to pick it up. beer cans/bottles everywhere... argh...

I miss being held when I'm sad... very few people can though, or very few people I allow to that is.
I know that's mostly my fault, but I don't like fake comfort. I need to know it's genuine.
and funny enough... I've only gotten that from girls. wonder what that says?

I was told I'm too much like someone tonight, and that's why he stopped talking to me.
I don't understand that... I really really don't.
I thought understanding was important, and if you're like that person then you understand better than most right?

maybe it's true what I think in my head... maybe I really am ugly as hell and people just lie to be nice or because they are desperate enough that I'm "good enough" for the time being?

I get told I'm a good person all the time, (unless you read my journal, then I'm just a cry baby asshole who needs to pluck his head from his ass), but it gets me no where.
actually, nowhere is pretty much my only destination it seems.

why do I need to feel loved so baddly?
is it from the lack of it I got growing up?
is it from repressing my homosexuality for most of my life?
is it from the over abundance of nasty heartless people I keep meeting?
is it just that I"m fucked in the head and need therapy?
or, is it all of the above?

I can't seem to be attracted to most gay guys for more than a few hours. (or at least while their mouth is moving that is).
what does that mean?

shit, I better get to bed. it's going to be a long day at work tomorrow... the the airconditioner is STILL busted, I hope it's not another 106 degree day tomorrow.